Who’s running the show?

Hey y’all from Happily Ever Laura. Crazy enough, I have a few moments to myself. The house is quiet (which is weird) because everyone is sleeping, including the dogs and I wanted to sit down to write to you fine folks in amongst some laundry and popping dinner in the oven. Adulting, what fun. But also, isn’t this what the cool kids are doing these days? I remember, vaguely, way back when, in a drunken stupor, thinking about this very moment in the future and what it would be like, kids running around, making dinner, doing household work, having a husband coming home from work giving me a kiss, all from a dream AND how I get to currently live today. I really am so truly blessed. I get to work from home for my husband’s business, get to have my kids at home with me, make my own schedule, and now that I can drive I get to do so many cool things: it really is such a life.

But with every good day, good moment, good “life”, there have to come some challenges, some hardships… because that is the only way for us to grow, right? I am part of a twelve-step program that I have been a part of since I got sober 12 years ago and am still very active in today including with my sponsor and sponsoring other women and attending meetings. I have participated in different meetings, church activities, other self-help events over the years, including going to counseling, because as I look at it, every little bit helps….and I need all the help. (Haha) And I’ll be the first to admit that (most of the time). Thank God for that today. Recently I have added a different type of twelve-step program to the mix, because again, why not? I need to be able to look at things from all the perspectives, all the angles, and be willing to do that, and be able to be honest with myself in things that I still need to work on. I have gotten a sponsor in this program, have started working these steps, and attend this meeting regularly.

And what I have found out about myself is pretty astonishing. Believe it or not, I like to be in control AND I’m a little bit of perfectionist. Shocking, I know. I got this mentality as a kid that I needed to be perfect and to always strive for perfection. Yet, I could never obtain it so therefore I was not good enough. I kept this mentality throughout the rest of my life which filled me with a lot of anxiety and therefore I drank. Of course, I also drank because, well, I am in fact an alcoholic and that’s what we do to cope, to deal with life. But on top of that I was always holding on to something, like if I lost control of “it”, whatever IT was, then all bets were off. There’s no telling what would happen but I can promise you it wouldn’t have been good, or maybe it just wouldn’t have been “enough” to whoever “enough” needed to be with in that moment.

I looked to a lot of other people in my life to soothe me, to validate me, to tell me it was going to be okay, but it was never enough to me, and probably not enough for them either. Because remember we are all human after all, we always feel like we are never enough, never perfect enough, even though we also know that is the point; to be human is to be imperfect. Such a never-ending circle we go around.

After I got sober, I was so focused on getting sober and doing the steps in that program that I had a hard time seeing it all. Whatever the ALL is. And maybe we aren’t supposed to always see the “all”, all the time, or all at once, because then we wouldn’t be able to keep growing and learning and changing. I’ve evolved over the years and really begun to look at things differently: myself, life, other people, everything around me. Especially after having kids, I started remembering a lot more from the past and looking at things in a different way, good, bad, and in between, but really looking at things more objectively verses “the side” that I thought I had always been on. And I think that is the point, to keep being willing to see all the sides of everything in our lives, past, present, and future.

I also really starting seeing how much I felt like I needed to control things in my life, other than myself. Because really, me, myself, and I is what I need to be focused on in changing, growing, and observing my behaviors and actions. Everyone else and everything else doesn’t really matter. Not that they don’t matter, but that I don’t need to concern myself with telling everyone what to do, judging, critiquing, trying to change, even if I do think I know best, or I am just trying to motivate them, or I think I have all the best of intentions. I feel as though I am on this other playing field, like I’m doing all these things to help myself (so I think), so much so that I’m putting myself on a pedestal, even though at the same time I still don’t think I’m good enough all the time (make that make sense haha). And therefore, it doesn’t mean I need to tell you what to do, or look down on you, or judge you (or myself for that matter). Because what’s actually the point of that? I know people who constantly judge how other people are doing things and I used to be one of those people who did the same thing. I read recently that when we do that, its actually because we are insecure or unsure of ourselves or our own decisions. And that makes sense to me.

Of course it does, because I will do whatever I need to, to feel better about myself, right? To make myself feel good enough, like I am doing enough, I am good enough, I’m doing it right, you’re proud of me, blah blah blah. But really, we are all just doing the best we can with what we know, right? And how we grew up, and the experiences we have had, and what we have been taught affects all that. So maybe we just all need to give each other some grace. And maybe that’s just how it’s supposed to be. That we all are the way we are, and that we will continue to be who we are unless we are willing to change, and I’m not the one to make that happen in anyone else. I just keep doing what I need to do for myself, and show others what I’m doing, the good, the bad, and everything in between. I continue to be vulnerable, showing my true authentic self, because I believe that is how we relate, how we show grace, how we be human. I will talk to you all day long about this life of mine, my struggles with myself, the thoughts I have, and also about the amazing things that I have been able to experience within and outside of myself. I get to not beat myself up today (if I choose to), I get to be proud of myself, I get to live the coolest life in the world. I get to have boundaries and not feel guilty for it. I get to do what I need to do for me to be the best version of myself I can be for everyone around me, especially my husband and kids who are around me the most.

So, do I still feel like I need to be in control today? Yes, sometimes….I think I know best, I think I’m ahead of the curve, I think if everyone did what I wanted them to do, then the world would be perfect. Ah, but I bet that as soon as they did do what I wanted them to do, then I would change my mind, it still wouldn’t be enough, and really that’s just not the way it’s supposed to be anyways. We are all different with unique behaviors and mindsets for a reason….so that I can be willing to find a different perspective in it all. So that maybe I can say, you are right and I was wrong. (I actually say that more than you might think). I can talk to my kinds, my husband, my friends, my peers, about my challenges, where I want to improve, and to maybe, one day at a time, stop pointing the finger at someone else. Speak truth about myself, be willing to see all the sides to every situation, admit my faults, take a step back and just focus on myself, and strive to do better on a daily basis. And that’s what I’ve been doing one step at a time, one day at a time, for the last 12 years. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the next 12 years.