Life as we know it

I feel like I talk about this a lot, probably because I think about it a lot, but I am still in such awe of what my life is like today, especially compared to what it used to be like. Not only am I sober, but I get to live a married life with 3 little ones, all 4 and under (two boys and a girl). And man, I’m flooded with tons of emotions constantly. Currently as I am writing to you fine folks, I am listening to Thomas Train while I see our little girl climb in a out of the dog toy basket, our middle boy running around acting like a dinosaur, and our oldest boy minding his own business on the couch watching tv eating snacks. It’s constant commotion (unless on the off chance I get all the kids to sleep at the same time during the day, but then usually we got one of our dogs pacing while the other one is barking at the wind). I love it and I am totally overwhelmed all at the same time. I get terrified thinking they will all be grown up one day, but then also think I need this phase to go by way quicker than it is because I’m about to pull my hair out.

Life is so interesting, isn’t it? I think about what I get to experience now and how much I will miss it one day. I know I will miss parts of it, but at the same time, would I want to relive it? Then I think about my past, long past to my childhood going into my teenage years, my young adulthood, and then getting sober. Would I want to relive any of that? Honestly, probably not. I think about certain childhood experiences that I really enjoyed (like going to Disneyland, birthday parties, and being with our extended family, especially my Guppy), graduating high school, studying in the library on campus, graduating college, hanging out with certain friends, working at Flemings (sometimes lol), (just to name a few things that stand out to me), and maybe I would want to relive them, or maybe I just want to have the memories. Because, like for example, I really don’t want to go back to school and study my butt off, just to be able to walk across the stage again (I’ll be good with seeing my kids do that), that sounds like way too much work and I’m just too tired for that at this point.

But would I want to relive having my kids? (no not the actual labor and delivery…hell no, because let’s be real, that is some serious pain, especially with no epidural). But would I want to relive all the moments with them, all the stages and ages, the crying, and temper throwing (from them and me)? Probably not. But would I want to relive all the good moments? The way they smell, the cute little things they do, the way they call me mama, holding them as a newborn baby, watching them walk for the first time, watching my husband melt in their arms. Oh gosh, maybe I would, but then again maybe not. I think about my kids and all the experiences I have had with them and what a privilege it is to watch them grow up and then into the coolest little people. I think about meeting my husband way back when and our wedding and our honeymoon… to Disneyworld! I think about all the experiences we have had together, the trips we have been on, every day life, truly the best time of my life, even in the challenges and hard stuff. Would I want to live all that over again? Maybe. But then with the good, come the challenges too. Like the days when it’s super cute that all 3 kids are all over you all the time and then 5 minutes later you’re overstimulated and losing it (clearly I have no experience with this at all).

But I guess its all about perspective too. Like parts of our life that we can’t wait to get through and others we wish could last forever. But obviously as we all know, we can’t make anything last forever. Life is supposed to go just the way it does and there is no stopping it. So, no matter how many times my husband and I renewed our wedding vows to have a “wedding experience” again (my husband would say once is enough haha and financially, once is all we can handle), and no matter how many children we had (trust me, for us, 3 is plenty…3 = 1 million kids), at some point that experience would have to be over. And maybe that’s just the way it is supposed to be.

So, then what do we do with all these moments in our life, the good and the bad? Fortunately, and unfortunately for someone like myself, I can replay it all over and over again in my head. For all the crappy moments, thank God its just in my head. For all the wonderful, breathtaking, joyous moments, sometimes I do wish it was more than that. But with all these moments I get to hold onto them in some way, shape, or form for myself or to share with others. Especially those not so good moments, man, sharing that with someone who is possibly going through something similar, is the coolest bond in the world, to let them know that no matter what we are going through or have gone through (of our own making or something that we just ended up being a part of), we can in fact get through it and get to the other side of freedom (whatever that freedom looks like for you- free from alcohol and drugs, free from resentment, depression, anxiety, PTSD, self-pity, victimhood, etc.)

Then with all the good moments, I get to share those with someone too, the laughs, the joy, the peace. I take all the pictures and videos my phone will hold (which at this point isn’t a lot, side note, how do you get more memory on your phone?). I write about it, and I hold onto in my mind. All these moments with all the people I love. Because in the grand scheme of things, as much as it brings tears to my eyes, I don’t want my children to be little kiddos for forever (plus honestly mentally I may not make it, especially being a stay-at-home mama haha). They are supposed to grow up and I GET to watch them do that. I get to grow old with my hubby (and as much as he gets on my nerves sometimes, if you know, you know haha, I wouldn’t choose anyone else to be by my side in this lifetime or the next and if I’m being honest, that brings tears to my eyes too, in only the best way possible).

So, what am I going to do with all this? Just keep living my friend. Living this life that I get to live and love today (one that I only have from getting sober and continuing to try to work on myself). A life that I get to care for my kiddos and really be a part of their lives. I get to spend time with friends and family; I get to laugh and cuddle with the hubby. I get to snuggle with our doggies (when they are in a snuggly mood haha). And I get to hold onto all of these moments. I get to share them with others and I get to use these memories as a learning experience for myself to help me with future moments! It’s all part of the process, right? And just way God intended. So, just for today I will try to be more go with the flow with life (also having 3 kids really changed that for me specifically, 3 marked the spot for sure). Catch me after our first kid and I was still gripping onto life while it dragged me down the road at times. But now with 3 young kiddos, I have to be a little more go with the flow with everything, myself, everyone around me (although, don’t get me wrong I’ll still try to control things), and life itself…because it’s going to keep flowing whether I want it to or not. Let it flow baby, I’m here for the ride, the ride of my life that I GET to be present for, that I get to really LIVE.