The Disease of the Will

Addiction. A word that is heard around the world today, yet still has some stigma behind it. So, what exactly does it mean? What is the history? Who has it, who doesn’t? What makes one an “addict”? And how bad is it really?

Our most recent book we have started reading in my book club is called The Urge Our History of Addiction by Carl Erik Fisher. And when I tell you its interesting and whole-heartedly thought provoking (if you let it), it is. Talk about having a different perspective on things. Something that my friend and I have noticed while reading is this author doesn’t give a right or wrong answer to any of it. Do any of you remember growing up and as the kid you were always wrong and the adult was always right? (or maybe that was just me lol). And of course, to a certain extent that is true especially comparatively to kids verses adults. But it’s also something that I’ve taken with me into my adulthood where A, I still think I’m wrong about everything (or maybe I’m right about everything) and B, there HAS to be a right or wrong. There HAS to be two sides to everything. And something that I am discovering is that I don’t think that is true. I think there can be an AND. Maybe two things can be true at the same time.

So, with that being said, when it comes to addiction, maybe two things can be true at once, maybe multiple things can be true at once and maybe the topic of addiction is even broader than we realize. When I think of addiction, the first thing that comes to mind is the “in your face kind”, alcohol and drugs, maybe even smoking, gambling, overeating, shopping, sex, etc. But when I was growing up, that’s not what came to mind at all (also because I didn’t know anything about the actual disease of addiction). As a kid, we would joke around about being “addicted” or obsessed with things, like I’m obsessed with this song, or addicted to chocolate. At the time, it was silly stuff (or so I thought). But maybe there is something more to it.

Like what if we can be addicted to more things than we realize? What if there is a line, or even a spectrum that we are all on? Like maybe a line gets crossed and then we become “an addict”. Something happens in our brain that doesn’t happen to “normal” people (of course what even is normal anyways?). Here’s the thing. I’m not here to give you a school lesson on what addiction is or isn’t. Who am I to say that any of it is true, or none of it is true, or all of it is true? I’m just here to talk about my experiences and my thoughts and give you something to think about that maybe you haven’t thought about before. For me, I’m pretty sure I was an alcoholic from the beginning. My mind was always a mess and I definitely had the disease of “more” and “never good enough” and “wanting to be in control”. But what I’m also learning is that I’m not the only person that deals with those kinds of things, alcoholic or otherwise. So again, I go back to this spectrum. Maybe we all fall somewhere on this spectrum. Maybe we can be “addicted” to all kinds of things and only does it become bad when we let it cross a line. I’ve even known people who are addicted to certain behaviors, like needing all the validation and attention in the world, blaming others for everything bad in their life and acting a prize-winning victim (I know even more about this myself because it’s how I used to be too).

So, then for those who are “addicts” verses those who are not, why do we turn to certain traits, behaviors, or the bottle? To cope with life of course. When life isn’t going our way, we don’t want to feel any kind of pain, fear, uncertainly, or discomfort, so therefore we are going to turn to something else to “solve that problem” (escape from it, run away from it, not think about it, make it go away, pretend it was not there, or pretend a situation is different (in our favor) than it really was.) And again, why do we do this? So, we don’t feel the PAIN. But what kind of pain exactly am I talking about? Oh, that pain from within. That God sized hole we like to call it. That one inside of us that we fill with everything except what it actually needs to be filled with, and for me that’s the God of my understanding….along with A LOT of work on MYSELF. Yes, I said it, myself. Just the kind of work that we don’t want to do. Because who really wants to look at our own flaws, or things that we need to change about ourselves, or other people we have harmed and need to apologize to? Really none of us WANT to that. And I would venture to say that the majority of the population probably either doesn’t have the willingness to do it, or if they do, don’t even know where to start.

Willingness. I talk about that one a lot. A topic that I had no idea what it meant until I got sober. Being willing to do something different, to look at things differently, to change my perspective, to stop being so judgmental, and to allow someone else to guide me and even be right…Dare I say that someone else could know more answers to life, than I?? haha Yes, yes, I think I am saying that, there I remain teachable. Because what I have found is there are just so many of us walking around this earth, having no idea what really can be on the other side (whether you are an alcoholic or not). The disease of the will I think could be classified to everyone. How willing are we to do anything? When referring to alcoholic, we talk about the disease of the will and how we have actually lost the power of choice after we have crossed this line (you know, the one that I was talking about earlier). When we become habitually addicted to specifically speaking drugs and/or alcohol, we were very willing to drink and drug and “do what we wanted” because that was the “easy” part, right? So, then what happens to our will and that will power when it comes to doing the hard stuff? They say that it becomes non-existent until we are able to tap into the power of a God of our understanding to allow Him (or her) to come in and give our mind a physic change. But then I would venture to say, that couldn’t all of us use some kind of physic change? In something? Getting out of a bad relationship, having courage to move or change jobs, working through whatever fears we have, and then really being willing to look at life and ourselves in a different light? Yes, that sounds quite lovely. But I also think that one has to be, as we like to call it, “ready” to do so. To have hit their “rock bottom”, whatever that looks like for each person. To find their “will” again, which ultimately comes from the God within all of us.

What this has looked like for me was first and fore-most getting sober, but then from there, using all kinds of programs and spiritual guidance to dissect Laura and what I’m all about. Past, present, future. My behaviors, my personality, my traits, the way I think, all of it. And folks I’m here to tell you, that some of that is not pretty. Yet some of it is absolutely beautiful. And the only way for me to find true freedom, peace, and happiness is to work through all that difficult stuff. All the ick, all the while learning to trust in the God of my understanding to see me through it (just like I know he has done for me before and will continue to all my days). But I can’t cover this stuff up anymore, I can’t keep blaming everyone else for my bad behaviors (just me over here raising my voice at my kids because they aren’t “acting right”…but are they or aren’t they? Or is there a better way of handling it? Something that I GET to apologize for, another icky part of myself that I GET to continue to work on….how cool is that?)

And then I would even venture to say that there is a spectrum with all the “ick” as well, the character defects as we like to call them, which is part of uncovering and dissecting ourselves. Maybe all those qualities aren’t necessarily all bad. Like maybe if I can pick out the good stuff with for example, perfectionism (being hardworking, having goals, being motivated and reliable), and leave the not so good stuff (the all or nothing thinking, beating myself up, and having a fear of failure), then I might be doing alright. Maybe I don’t have to give up it all. I can take what I need and leave the rest. And maybe that’s just what God wants for me too. Maybe that’s part of the happy, joyous and free. So, just for today I will keep being willing to unpack me, looking at all of me, past present and future to help myself and even someone else. Thank you, God for it all.