A Day in the Life of Doing All the Things

A day in the life of this alcoholic in recovery is pretty jam packed these days, but its something that I’ve been thinking about these days…so lets unpack it. Ever since I got my drivers license at the end of February, I’ve wanted to do “all the things”. Whatever that means, right? When I first started driving again, I had not driven in well over 10 years, so I had to get used to it. I would make sure I got to drive every day at least once because I absolutely loved it (and quite frankly still do), but I did start out slow. I would do one or two things with the kids in the mornings, then get to a meeting or grocery shop on some evenings. I was able to drive myself to my own appointments, getting my nails done, kid’s appointments, dog appointments, etc.

Then I started to add more. I would try to run more errands (pharmacy, bank, grocery shop, po box, storage, etc), so that my husband wouldn’t have to add that to his already busy days (plus I felt wanting to make up for all the times he had to haul me and the kids around or all the extra errands that he would have to run, although I would try to get a lot of stuff online to help at the time). I added the gym (for myself and my own sanity). Then I added taking the kids to various playrooms, playgrounds, malls, splash pads, pools, libraries, discovery museums, the lake, meeting up with friends, going to Nana’s house, etc). Then on top of all that I started adding even more to the agenda (a book club, Bible study, a different kind of meeting and sponsor on top of the regular meetings that I go to with that sponsor, church, counseling, and zoom meetings I am in charge of with the women in the Carthage Detention Center). I have taken on other speaking commitments, am now on the board of the women’s halfway house here in town (that I also resided in when I first got sober). Then on top of all that, I still work from home for my husband’s business, and try to find any spare time to do housework (cooking, cleaning, laundry), and doing preschool at the house with our oldest two boys. Oh, and writing on my blog to all you fine folks. Wheww.

My first thought with all this is pure and utter gratitude. That I can actually do all these things today. That I can drive myself and my children around to experience all this. I feel like I’m making up for so much lost time. Do I still feel irritated over that situation? The situation where I got my license taken away for so long, then when I was finally able to get it back, they gave me a lovely breathalyzer that I get to have on my car for 7 years….that situation. I don’t know. Maybe a little. I do feel like I missed out on so much for not being able to drive for so long. A friend of mine the other day told me she doesn’t know how I didn’t start drinking when I was couped up in the house for so long. I’ve had a number of people say much the same thing to me, that they don’t know how I did it. How I stayed sane. I don’t know either, really. I think I was a little crazy (or according to my husband A LOT crazy at times). I did have a lot of help from my husband and friends though. The hubby would come and get the kids when he could to give me a break at the house, then he would always get me to where I needed to go and give me time away from the house too. I had a lot of help from friends getting me around town to appointments and such as well as coming over to the house to hang out with me and the kiddos. But it was a lot. Just the idea of not having the freedom to get out on my own when I needed to or wanted to. But then again, I do get it. I was a menace to society and for a long time, I really didn’t need to have a license.

So, there you have it. I’m trying to make up for lost time. That is such a huge part of it. But maybe there is another part too. You know in today’s society, the more you do, the busier you are, the more successful you are or the better you are doing, right? That’s how it was when I was growing up too. We always had to be busy. Because the more you do, the worthier you are. I think that still plays a big part in my syce as well, is I have to do all the things, just so you think I am good enough, so you can tell me I’m doing a good job, validate me, and tell me I’m okay. But then the third piece of the puzzle, is what if I’m trying to run away from something? I’m really good at still picking other people in my life a part, especially those who in my opinion should be “doing better”. But what about me? Like really what about me? I do all these things in my life today, to try to grow and change for myself, to try to look at things differently, change the way I say things or do things, really look at my actions and reactions, and try to look at my part in every situation….but am I really? Because trust me, I can still play the blame game. I am the way I am because of you…you know that kind of thing. But we also have a choice today, on how we behave, what we do, how we act. We can blame or point the finger all we want on thinking someone else was the problem, but what I have found is when I actually turn the figure around on myself, that’s what I really need to be focusing on and looking at. And that’s the hard stuff, that’s the uncomfortable stuff. Of course we want to run from that. Of course we want to do all the things in our schedule, and fill our time up so we don’t have to look at THAT. Whatever “that” is.

For me, really looking at myself, I see so much that I still need to work on. I am a perfectionist at heart, although having 3 kids under 5 has helped change that a little (haha). I used to care so much about what everyone thought about what I was doing or what I looked like and now I can say, I think I care just a little bit less. I see so much of who I was in yesteryear and see that I am NOT that same person anymore. And I’m not talking just about drinking Laura, I’m talking about child Laura, teenager Laura, young adult Laura. I’m not the same. I look at things so much differently and as painful as it is to really look at every piece of my life, I have determined that I must continue to walk through it, to really truly keep changing. And not just for myself, but for all those around me. We are all on different paths and it becomes painfully more and more evident the further away I get from certain people who are not following the same kind of path. But you know what, that’s okay. I just need to keep doing what I need to be doing for myself today.

So, full circle, what does that need to look like for me today? Well, my counselor tells me I need to check in with myself on a daily basis and see how I’m feeling. Just that simple. If I’m feeling more overwhelmed from having too much to do in my schedule or having interactions with certain people, then I get to put a boundary up, I get to say no, I get to take care of myself. Because every time I say “yes” to someone else, unless it’s something that I really want to be doing, then I’m saying “no” to myself. And I don’t want to do that today. I want to say YES to healing, growing, and taking care of myself, in however that looks from day to day. Maybe one day it is doing “all the things”, maybe the next its not. Maybe just for today, I won’t respond to that text. But what I’ve also been told is that my focus needs to be on God and doing things for myself, and my family (my husband and children) and what is best for all of us and our needs. Is that selfish? I don’t know. I don’t think so. Because once I put God first, then I know everything else will play out the way it should. Once I take care of myself, then I can take care of my family, and then I have room for my friends and every thing else. Kinda cool how that works out. Keep the faith, trust the process.