Identity

What is life really about? What are we chasing? Who are we trying to be? I've been thinking about life a lot lately (I seem to be doing that a lot right?), what society tells us we need to be doing, what others tell us we need to be doing, and what we tell ourselves. But how much of that is actually true or right or necessary? I see so many of us, myself included, trying to do all the things, packing as much as we can into the stream of life, focusing on the quantity instead of quality. But for what? Like why are we actually doing the things that we are doing? What are our motives? Are we pursuing our newest job conquest because we were told that's how you make it in life, to make sure you make the money and have a prestigious career? Are we focusing on certain things to prove something, to prove we are worthy or successful? Are we doing all these things for ourselves or for our kids or for others or for our spouse or whoever? Like why do we do what we do? Society tells me I'm supposed to put my kids in school all day and have a successful career for myself and make as much money as I can and that way I can be happy. Society tells me I'm supposed to do as many things as humanly possible in a day- take care of kids, run a business, cook, clean, shop, do community service, go to the gym, plant a garden, go to church, whatever it is, all the while looking and acting perfectly and even then, even when I spend every waking minute doing "something" it's still not enough. But we are told that doing "things" and looking good while doing them is what life is all about. It makes me worthy and accomplished and then I can be happy.

Don’t you just love meeting new people and the very first thing they ask is “what do you do?” When I was in my early 20s (and in the height of my drinking career, so that certainly didn’t help) that was always the question either “what do you do?” or “are you married?” or “how many kids do you have?” Of course, my answers consisted of zero, zero and zero, although I was always coached by a family member to make whatever it was that I had going on sound better than it actually was, because otherwise I wouldn’t be “good enough” or I would be judged (or said family member would be judged by our dang society). But if someone had asked me “who are you?” instead, at the time I’m not sure if I would have known how to answer that. Now, that’s the first thing I would talk about. Who am I, and who I am striving to be. And I get it, to live you have to work and a lot of hours at that. Even if you own your own business (my husband and countless others) you are actually probably working more hours than even a typical nine to five. Either way, 40+ hours a week is a long time. It makes up most of our life unfortunately, hence why it becomes our identity. But maybe it doesn’t have to be like that. Maybe we can find something different where we don’t have to work as many hours, or find something we semi enjoy doing, or spend more time doing something for the community, spend more time with our children, or start a hobby. Or even work less. Probably not the best argument for the moment since obviously working less means making less money and with this economy, that might not work out so great. But at the same time, I believe (from experience budgeting vs not) we actually don’t need as much money as we think we do. Let that sink in.

I listened to a podcast recently that tells me I can create my own narrative, my own reality. So, I can essentially rebuke everything else that doesn't serve me and my family. I'm asked very often, what is most important to me in life. The answer is simple. My husband and my kids, my sanity, and finding my God from within. They told us from the beginning in the program I partake in, that whatever I put before my recovery and God, I will eventually lose in some way shape or form. Even 12 years later (especially 12 years later I need it more so than ever) I have to continue to look at that and ask myself that question- what am I putting first in my life and why?

For me, I left the career idea behind a long time ago. Not that it isn't possible and not that I don't have a " career" in what I do now (bookkeeping behind the scenes work for our business), but it's not my identity. I wrestled with that for a long time because the entire time I was growing up, I was told that was how to make it in life. And in a sense, we have to do it to a certain degree to make money to survive. But for me, I am blessed in the moment where I don't have to make it my whole life and really, I don't even have to make it a big part of my life (it also helps that I’ve been doing this for many years and also have a great time by my side). So, then what does take up my life? Kids, kids and more kids. When you have 3 kids, 4 and under who are with you 24/7, then that's a pretty big part of your life, as it should be. I have the honor and privilege to raise these kids. Not someone else, just me and my husband get to do that and I don't take that responsibility lightly. But then I also have to say to myself, is THAT my whole identity? Maybe at times, yes. But is it supposed to be? Well, if I don't have a career, then my identity has to be being a MOM, right?

Wrong again. I get to choose what my identity is. I get to choose where I spend my time and the things I do. I also get to look at this and change this on a daily basis as I see fit, maybe even a minute to minute basis. So, I choose to do something different. Totally different. Since I made the decision over 12 years ago to put the drink down, my whole life has been changed, but I also had to be willing to make that change and continue to change every single day (whether I want to or not). I continue to be a part of the recovery community, I am in charge of taking meetings to the women inside our local detention facility, I attend church and a bi-weekly Bible study, I have started participating in a fellowship recovery program, continue to meet with my counselor and my sponsors (and sponsor other women), volunteer with local community events for kiddos, and do a lot of readings- anything for some insight into a new perspective, anything new to learn. So, that's my identity too and a big part of it. 

But when people talk about me, I don't want them to say she had a great career and she touched a lot of people's lives in her career (which is great too, don't get me wrong). But what I really want them to say is that I show my identity in my realness, my thoughtfulness, my humor, my parenting (ha!), my street smarts (another ha ha), my consciousness, my attention to detail, my organization, and my love. She is always trying to do better, be different, be quick to apologize when wrong, not keep secrets, and not be afraid to shine in her spirit. I want to touch not only other people out there with my truth, my experiences (that include all the challenges), and my hope, but even more importantly, the ones closest to me. Because those relationships are what is most important, right? Maybe just relationships period (as long as they are healthy) are what is most important.

So, when we think about our own identity, don't constraint yourself to what the world says is right or wrong, think bigger than that. Just for today, I will do something for me - go to the gym, do my readings, reach out to a few friends, write to you fine folks (because that's important too, if I don't take care of myself, who cares about anything else, I'll be too frustrated to deal with anything), I will cook dinner, do a little cleaning and business work, I will spend as much time as I can (and I can tolerate haha) with my sent-straight-from-God family, and continue to speak my truth, show my identity, and not be afraid to really try to live in it. This world doesn't have to define me. And thank God for that.