Life as we know it…how do we cope?

Here’s to another riveting episode of a day in the life of a happily ever alcoholic. After we got through our lovely sickness of hand foot and mouth disease (including myself), were held up in the house for weeks (worst sickness I have ever experienced), but then were finally able to come out to see the light of day again. Don’t worry though, my hands and feet are still peeling from the rash which I get to experience from now until probably forever. In a weird way, maybe it was a good thing, necessary. It’s funny how God seems to put experiences in our life maybe just when we need them, to slow us down, to open our eyes, whatever it is. And I believe this was one of them (although I think anything that happens in our life can be included in that, we just have to look hard enough).

But yes, this was a time to slow down, rest, recover as best we could, and take a breather. I took some naps (what?? Who me??), did some things around the house (because I always need to be doing something right?), and did a lot of reading and listening to podcasts. My reading included my bible study book, the Bible (yes, you read that right), a work book from one of the programs I partake in, the book club book, a book I’ve been reading with my husband, and some library books (me and the kiddos have definitely been on a library kick these days), and it was really cool and really interesting. Then I listened to my usual podcasts of Mel Robbins and Brene Brown. And what amazing perspective changes can happen if I let them. Not only did I allow myself a chance to slow down, stop putting judgement on myself of how much or how little I am doing, but I have also allowed my mind to be filled with the coolest information. Because we always want to be learning, growing, and doing the work, right? Or do we?

One of the many things I have been thinking about is really how much work it takes to be human. Have you ever really thought about that? Like to be able to live in this world “successfully”, how much work it actually takes. And no, I’m not just talking about holding down a job or buying a house, but like really living life within me…because that’s what its all about right? How uncomfortable do I have to get? And how much effort am I will to give to do better, or do different, or just have a changed perspective. It takes a hell of a lot of work. I’ve been “breaking my back” (sometimes it seems that extreme) since I got sober, so for 12 years now, to try to do better, be better, be different, get through my past, be a changed person, be the person God created me to be, live life well and good and happy and free, and be able to interact with everyone else around me, somewhat “successfully”. I’ve got to learn to deal with people (all people lol), figure out how to raise children, and how to do all these things sober. But what does sober even really mean? If you aren’t an alcoholic, can that phrase still apply? I think so. I think we all have things that we don’t want to do, don’t want to go through, want to forget, don’t want to experience, trauma we have to deal with and then really looking at ourselves (our part in EVERY situation), and that shit is HARD. Most of us, won’t even be willing to scratch the surface in our lifetime, either because we are in denial, or just don’t want to be uncomfortable.

I remember when I first got sober and the people in one of the programs I am a part of, would tell me, “we will suggest things for you to do”. Most of those things you won’t like, you won’t want to do, and will probably make you feel very uncomfortable (not in a dangerous way, in a way of I’ve never experienced something like this before because I don’t think I’ve ever even attempted to a responsible adult before), and then they would say, “again these are just suggestions, but if you don’t do them, you will probably end up drinking again.”

So how does this correlate to a non-alcoholic or even to myself today? (because what I’ve found over the years, is its really not even about the alcohol, it’s what we do the cover it up, to hide, to escape, and to not do the hard stuff). What are we willing and not willing to do to grow, learn, change, and look at all that crap that we stuffed for years (either the hurts we experienced or what we have done to ourselves). Because we ALL have things we do and ways we COPE. We cope with all the life stuff we don’t want to deal with it. Maybe its not drinking a 5^th of liquor every night (because “normal people” don’t do that right?). But maybe its avoiding, scrolling on our phones, being unwilling to go to therapy, or to take suggestions. Maybe its staying in the denial. Maybe it’s continuing to blame the other person. Maybe its still holding onto something, the resentment, the hurt, the pain, the sadness. Whatever it is, and whatever our behaviors are, we have learned that how we are handling them “works” for us. Or does it?

For me, it was easier to diagnose to a certain extent because my way of coping (drinking) was way more in my face, especially when the legal troubles started. But even then, ironically enough, it still took a little while for me to get to a place of letting that go, because I thought it was working for me. It was helping me COPE and deal with life, past, present and future. But I see not so great coping skills in others who have not chosen a drink as well. Maybe they deny, blame, play a victim role, or focus on someone or something else. And maybe that is working for them. But maybe it’s not.

So then, how do we give it up? Or convince someone else to give it up? I think the scariest part of it for us is the unknown and going through pain. We don’t want to be in pain, any kind of it, right? And if we are shown a new way to “cope” but have never experienced it before, then how do we know it works? And what if it doesn’t work for us? Or can we even admit that we might be wrong about something? Like maybe what we’ve been doing is “wrong”? (how awful does that sound??)

And then on the flip side of that, is what is it like when we “think” we need to change someone else, because they aren’t doing it “right”? Coping with life as they should, if you will. Is the idea of trying to change or fix someone else for them or for you? Who is getting more uncomfortable about it? The answer is probably you, especially if the other person isn’t willing to look at themselves enough to decide on their own, that they might need to change something. I would venture to say, that we are more in pain over the other person than they are. Sure, if we are on the “other side” of looking at ourselves and life differently and we see someone else using coping skills that may not be the best, we want them to get better, to be happier, to get to the “other side” too, but it all boils down to if we or the other person aren’t willing to change, then its not going to happen and no amount of convincing will change that. So, I have to continue to be willing to look at myself and change what I need to IN ME. I have to be willing to let the other person go and let them live their life, and then continuing on my own path, hoping they will get there someday too. Or maybe what they are doing, is working “just fine” for them. And that’s okay too.

But I also have to remember, that once we get to a certain point, when we get clear headed enough, it’s all a choice. MY choice on what I do with my life. Will I continue to be willing to change myself, to really look at myself, even the not so good parts and say them out loud? (because lets be real, we all have those parts…and I’m not just talking about, well I should have never let this person in my life, or gotten into a relationship with them or stayed with them for so long (because those are regrets and another topic for another day)…now all that may be true too, but what I’m really talking about is like who I am as a person and who I want to be…I am a control freak, I get my feelings hurt, I take things personally, I am a perfectionist, I can be judgmental (just to name a few), and can be unwilling at times to really look at this stuff and attempt to change my perspective). ICK. So, what will I choose to change?

That’s where all the things that I do to try to help myself come in…the readings, the writing, the programs (and the sponsors), the therapy, the church, the friends & family, God, the gym, etc. All the things. I need all the things and I think I will always need all the things, because like why not? As I said when I first got sober, what’s the worst that can happen? And what I’ve found is nothing. Nothing has been “too scary”, “too hard”, “too uncomfortable” to get through using NEW coping skills. That’s been my experience. So, when things get tough, do I turn to a drink? No. And I haven’t for over 12 years. Because nothing has been THAT bad. But what are some other maybe not so great behaviors I do turn to in hard times? I can definitely get frustrated, get angry, disperse blame, deny, get on my high horse, just to name a few. But I can also recognize that, know I need to be doing something different, and then CHOOSING to do something different, all the while not beating myself up over it. I’m not perfect, and I’m not supposed to be. So, I choose to continue learning, growing, changing, experiencing, because isn’t that what life is all about?