Real Deal Vulnerability and Shame Resilience

My friend and I have been reading a book (which I have mentioned before) called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. The latest chapter we are reading is one of really unpacking shame (because it turns out being vulnerable can negate shame) and what that looks like for men and women and how it is different. It’s so interesting because everything that she talks about I can relate to. The way I grew up, we weren’t supposed to talk about our feelings or anything else we had going on and as women we were supposed to be perfect and look perfect and ACT perfect all the time (which I wasn’t able to do any of those things). I remember the looks part of it for me was so intense back in the day (because I definitely had some weight on me at times in my life, including current today…but I also had 3 babies so I think that’s okay), that if I didn’t look right, have the right clothes, didn’t suck my stomach in, then I probably was never going to find a husband or anyone that liked me. Lol It’s talked about in this book that for women the main areas of shame where we shame ourselves and others (shame on us lol) is with looks and motherhood (and that can be whether we have kids or not).

Ding ding ding! Yep, all of the above. I remember when I was younger, especially when other friends and family around my age started getting married and having kids, there was always the question of “well, what are you doing with your life? Is there anyone special? When are you getting married? Where are you working? What fabulous, life changing thing are you doing now? Blah blah blah”. And at the time I was over here thinking well really currently I’m just trying to figure out how to sneak my next drink and not get fired from my current job, but hey, I’ll be sure to you let you know about the next boyfriend who doesn’t break up with me after a week of dating.

Of course now, I do have all those things, a wonderful husband who loves me more than I can comprehend, 3 beautiful kiddos, owning a business that is thriving, being sober and part of a recovery centered community and life doing all the things that entails, and yet I still have my shame based moments (especially when it comes to looks…I think perhaps that will always be there…I’m not skinny enough, funny enough, pretty enough, smart enough). But at the same time damnit, I am! I am enough! And in my OWN voice I have to say that for myself and for everyone around me. Because as high and mighty as I like to think I am sometimes, I can’t judge you without judging me haha. And why do we need to judge anyways? We ALL have shame. ALL OF US. So just for today, I’ll be vulnerable and talk about it. Because why not? What’s the worst that can happen? When I was a kid, it would probably have been that the world was going to fall apart. But now, so what? If the world does fall apart, I am perfectly capable, with the help of the God of my understanding and the beautiful people in my life today to help me pick it back up and put it back together again. Because maybe you need help putting your world back together too. And I’m there for you!

What I also thought was so interesting was the research Brene did on men and what their shame looks like. It’s all about failure, fear, and weakness. Men aren’t allowed to be wrong, fail, not be able to provide for their family, not have all the answers, not be able to fix any situation, and to be scared. But the coolest thing about what she talks about in this chapter is how to work through the shame….and its to talk about it. To talk about the hurt, the pain, to get uncomfortable, to feel the feelings, and then maybe not worry about trying to figure it all out….to just deal, be, feel, talk, be vulnerable, and move on. Figure out what’s next. Because we aren’t alone. All of us in this entire world, all have felt something, along with some kind of shame. That’s not cool, but what is cool is then we don’t have to do it alone. We don’t have to be ashamed to talk about things that all of us have felt. We can take the wall down. And maybe we can allow ourselves to just feel and talk and not have to figure it all out. And that’s okay.

I took the kids (yes all 3 of them) to dinner tonight, then for a quick grocery run…by myself. Now that I can drive, I do a ton of stuff with the kids by myself. It’s slightly terrifying but I’m getting better at it and more used to it and do okay when I’m spiritually fit (but let’s be real, who is actually totally spiritually fit these days?). Most days when we are all out, I get funny comments of “Oh you’ve got your hands full” or “oh wow (period)”. Lol But lately I’ve also been getting comments from WOMEN who genuinely think I am pregnant again and say so. Then I have to correct them and say “no, no, we stopped at 3….we have our hands full”. Hahaha But believe it or not, this kind of comment has happened more than once….like a lot more than once. So, I have a belly. I may or may not be shaped like the Grinch, I have had 3 babies back to back to back in case you were wondering. Let’s shame each other a little more. Lol

But then there was tonight. I didn’t get any of those comments. I got, “oh yes, I have 3 too, they are older now but, I remember those days, God bless you!” “Is there anything I can help with?”. Then, when I was checking out and walking out in the parking lot with TWO carts (one with kids and the other with groceries), a woman comes running up to me and offers to push a cart. And you know what I say, OKAY. THANK YOU. She tells me that’s the highlight of her day, she’s happy to do it. And you know what lady….you are the highlight of my day. Then I get a “hang in there, have a good night, you got this” shout across the parking lot from another woman. Like how cool is that? I’m holding on tight to y’all. Holding on tight to my “shame resilience” that I got tonight. Now, have I still possibly yelled at the kids once or twice tonight after we got home because no one listening to me and they are totally insane? Yea, possibly. I am human after all. But just for today, tonight, tomorrow and maybe the next day, I will keep talking about my experiences, my shame, my vulnerability. Who can relate? Who’s with me?