Adulting

Remember when we were kids and all we wanted to do was grow up, be adults and be able to do whatever we wanted? And then when I did grow up and became said adult all I wanted was a husband, kids, a family, a couple of dogs, a house to take care of. And now that I have all that and I am definitely, without a doubt a very 37-year-old adult, then I ask myself “what next?”, “is this real life?”, and “I don’t think I actually want to adult anymore”. Anyone else relate or is that just me?

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my life and what it has turned into. It’s all I ever dreamed of, all I ever wanted and I have it. I am lucky enough that God saw fit to bless me with this life (including all the struggles it took to get here). But I also seem to have to pinch myself to remind myself that I really am an adult, I really have kids that I have to take care of and keep alive, and I really am supposed to do all the adult responsible things. So, in retrospect, I don’t get to actually do whatever I want… or do I?

My version of doing whatever I wanted before I got sober was working as little as possible, and going to the bar every night to get as drunk as possible. That was “fun” for me and “whatever I wanted”. If there was something going on that I didn’t want to do, then I wasn’t going to do it no matter how important it was. Really, I was acting like a child and throwing a temper tantrum every day until I got my way. That and the fact that I was chronically addicted to alcohol and everything that came along with it, although that took me a while to figure out. Either way I was going to do (or say) whatever I wanted and there was nothing that was about to stop me.

Now, many 24 hours later, sober, I have figured out that I have in fact “grown up”. I am the adult now. Like a real adult. Like a parent adult. What even is that? I had a lot of help growing up when I got sober. My sponsor and other women in the program directed me and showed me by example, how to successfully live life (as an alcoholic or not). So over time, it happened. I became this adult. I grew up. I had to do a lot of things early on when I got sober that I really didn’t want to do; really look at myself, figure out how to apologize to someone, figure out how to look at life differently, go to prison, you know all the normal stuff we do as humans (said no one ever haha).

And then as time went on, I had to keep doing things that I “didn’t want to do”. Those things looked different over the years but included doing responsible things with work and otherwise, hanging out with people I didn’t necessarily want to hang out with but did because it was the right thing to do, asking people for rides over and over again since I couldn’t drive, and continuing to work on myself, better myself, all the while still staying sober. Then after buying a home, getting married, adopting a couple of dogs, taking over a business, and having kids (3 back to back to back), those “adult things I don’t want to do” continued but just looked different; going to doctor’s appointments for myself and all the kids (and dogs), doing the business work and everything that goes along with that, making sure everything fits in the schedule, putting the kids first, doing all the cleaning and house chores, laundry, and cooking, all the while trying to find 5 minutes of time either with my husband or some “me time” because when we have young kids we all know all of that is nonexistent.

I spend a Saturday night playing hide and seek with all of our kiddos and the hubby instead of doing what “I want to do”. But the interesting thing about it, is this is what I want to do. Even in all the adulting, the growing up, the hard stuff, the challenges, this is right where I want to be. This is whatever I want to do. This is it. So as much as sometimes I think I’m not getting my way or being able to do what I want to do or be able to do something for myself, maybe I am. It’s just about a perspective change. Because as much as I dreamed of a life like this, I never really thought it would be possible. Like I never really thought it would happen. I would just keep hoping and praying and pining that I would have a life like this one day….maybe one day finally in this oh so short life we get to live. But I’ll tell you this, I really get to live it today. This adulting stuff…THIS is living. What do you think?

So, just for today, I’m going to do what I need to do, what I am supposed to do for myself, my family, my children, my life, and maybe just maybe, it becomes what I WANT to do. Because being responsible, driving my kids around, answering a phone call or text, following up with whatever needs to be followed up with, getting the groceries, making sure dinner is on the table, and spending a Saturday night with my family….that’s the REAL DEAL LIVING. That’s the actual good stuff. That’s doing what God wants me to do which turns into exactly what I want to do (no matter how many times I will complain about it). Oh, this is the life.