How authentic are you really?

Authenticity…a subject that has been talked about in several of the books I have been reading and a topic of conversation as of late. We all want to be authentic, the real you and the real me and we want to be around the same people. The real deal, show me all of your flaws, people. When I was younger, I didn’t know who I was. I was always searching for who I should be or who I needed to be for someone else. I would constantly change myself to fit in to whatever group I was hanging out with at the moment. I could be the smart “goodie girl”, I could be the “dumb blonde”, I could be the wall flower, I could be the sarcastic funny one, I could be the flirt, whatever I needed to be. And then I would even take on other people’s characteristics- their mannerisms, their accents, the things they would say, whatever it was to fit in and be “cool”. I would also hide behind a mask and not want to show you my true feelings or identity or what was really going on because that's what I was taught to do growing up.

But what even is “cool”? And what exactly does it mean? And how important is it to be said “cool”? I remember being so awkward outwardly and inwardly with myself that I didn’t know what to do with myself, I constantly heard messages of not being good enough from voices around me and voices in my head and I completely took that to heart. The person that God created me to be, wasn’t good enough, whatever that person was. Because I had such a hard time figuring that out. Who was I? Who was I supposed to be? What was I supposed to be doing with my life? What was my purpose? Was I supposed to be like my parents or other people in my life and have those kinds of accomplishments? And if not, then what was I supposed to be doing?

When we are younger, I think we all go through this kind of thinking…feeling lost with ourselves and trying to figure it all out….us and the world around us. How to operate, how it all works. It’s so interesting to me because since getting sober I really feel like I have lived in so many different worlds and versions of myself. When I did first get sober, I was still so self-conscience and now I didn’t have a drink to hide behind so I was even more weird, awkward, and uncool (or so I thought) than ever before. Then a few years went by, I learned a few things about myself, met my now husband, had 3 kids, and my perspective on myself and life has totally changed.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have good moments and not so good moments where I talk to myself badly and beat myself up for whatever. I still have moments of feeling not good enough or that I’m doing something wrong. But I do know who I am today. And I am finally proud of that person. I am weird, awkward, clumsy, sarcastic, funny, thoughtful, loving, smart, hard-working, highly organized, and SUPER COOL and I am okay with all that. And most of the people around me are okay with that too. I dance and sing crazy in the kitchen while making dinner and my kids and husband don’t run away….they join me or laugh (lovingly) at me. I try my best to speak my mind and tell my truth, even if its not what someone else wants to hear.

It's funny how life works. I have been going to the gym lately (which has been the coolest thing ever) and I met a nice older man there the other day and we had a brief little “small talk” conversation…and it was so cool. I get to be okay with myself today, nay, even GOOD with myself today where I can be bold, say hello and have conversations with strangers in all kinds of different situations (with work, at the gym, at restaurants, at the grocery store, at the dmv, contacts with our business, family friend’s, so on and so forth) and I get to do that today. I remember back in high school I had to do a project where I did a presentation at a Belk, then had to engage with people there shopping….and I just couldn’t do it. I was terrified. What if I say something wrong? What will these people think of me? Obviously, what I am doing is so dumb and they know it and they know I don’t know what I’m doing and they are going to ask me questions and I won’t know the answer to them or worse off I’ll only give a “one word” answer to them (and that definitely isn’t good enough). But today, I get to be bold. I get to talk….and not care what you think.

It's still the coolest thing in the world that I have found the people who are in my life (my husband, my kids, my friends) who accept me and love me just as I am. For all parts of me. For all of this story of mine….every single part. I think about that all the time. I look at my husband or I see a text from a friend and I think how on earth did I get to be this lucky? That I get to be authentically ME with these people….and just in life in general. And that I figured it out…I figured out who I am. I don’t have to be like anyone else. I just get to be me. I think especially after getting a little older and for sure having a few kids (all cares go out the window with any sort of dignity or vulnerability). So, I will continue to be that goofy, sarcastic, funny and loving person that I am today. And one that still sometimes gets annoyed, overstimulated, wants to be in control and still calls myself names from time to time. But that’s how I keep it real. Because I’ll tell you about that part of me too. And not be ashamed of that today. Because that is where the real growth comes in, the real depth in discovering me as a person, who God wants me to be, and being able to help someone else. And maybe how we can relate. Take the mask off!

I thank God for it all. For making me exactly who I am supposed to be, giving me all of the experiences I have had (good and bad), and putting those in my life who are in my life today. I thank God for my husband, my best friend, the one who my soul unconditionally loves, the one who gets on my last nerve, but the one who completes this life with me. The one who I get to be myself fully with. I never had that before, especially in a relationship such as that, but really just in general. I still can’t believe I get to have that today. That this is my life today. I remember my dad saying the phrase “this is the life” when we would be on a vacation somewhere, laying on the beach or relaxing in a comfy chair. But I would beg to say that this is actually “the life” for me today. That I have found myself, who I am meant to be, to have found my people, to get to have the experiences I get to have today, to watch my kids grow up (as overwhelming as that can get), that really is the life today. The relationships I get to have with not only the people around me but also with myself today…that is the life. The real deal, authentic life of ME.