And then there were kids

Those of you that have kids, depending on their ages, do you ever still pinch yourselves having to remind yourself that these are really your kids? Like you really, actually have kids? It’s the wildest thing to me sometimes to think about the fact that I actually have kids. Maybe this sounds weird. Or maybe this sounds totally relatable to you. For a woman like me, it was something that was always the unobtainable dream of mine (to get married and have children). As a child myself, I would play with my Barbies (alone, by myself… I had no siblings) and play “house” all day long. I couldn’t wait to grow up and experience it for real. And then I did grow up and struggled, greatly. With a lot of things, but especially relationships. I finally and at last got sober, then was able to focus on myself for a while, finally being able to open myself up to a healthy relationship, one that I had never really seen before.

Then you know how the story goes, girl meets boy (running into each other going into and out of the bathroom at the gym- so romantic), girl and boy date, get engaged, buy a house, get married, adopt a few dogs, then have a few kids (all within that white picket fence). And then what? I used to be terrified of the physical part of carrying and birthing said children and thought the rest (the actually raising part) would be a breeze, especially sober and clear-headed. First off, yes the labor and delivery are in fact terrifying, but not so bad when you have an absolutely amazing husband in your corner, cheering you on and helping you push (literally) to victory, along with 3 kids who wanted to labor and come out as quickly as possible (my first was a total of 6 hours and my last we were in the hospital for 46 minutes and I had a baby…no time for an epidural on that one!)

But of course, once I got through all that, then came the fun part, the real part. Yes folks, it got real. Because now we have to keep alive and raise these little ones and try not to screw them up as bad as our parents screwed us up (haha just kidding… kind of lol). Oh and stay sober all at the same time. I was flooded with fear and memories of my childhood, then wanting to make sure I was happy with myself and how I acted and how I parented my kids. And naturally all that changes in a blink of an eye, from moment to moment, where one moment I’m screaming totally overstimulated and overwhelmed and then the next I am apologizing for it (at least I’m apologizing). I’m trying to watch what I say and how I say things so my children don’t grow up with some kind of complex, some kind of trauma. But let’s be real. Really real. We aren’t perfect and neither is life and people are going to be who they want to be, using whatever excuses or validation they need to at the time to get through whatever it is they are going through.

As the years progressed with having more and more kids back to back to back, I wore out (mentally and physically) and so did my husband. Lol We would have all the kids in the world if we could (we were beyond blessed to have 3 when we didn’t even think we could have one), but financially, mentally and physically I don’t think we can do it. Haha Having 3 is awesome though, it’s just like having a million and one kids especially when they are all still so young and so close in age together, chaos all the time, but only the good kind of chaos. That kind of chaos that I could only dream about, and thought I wanted my whole life. It’s fun, its wild, and it’s a mess. And I love it…most of the time. Especially growing us as an only child, this is the coolest thing ever to experience and watch our kids grow up together.

Sometimes I wonder how I do it. How any of us do it. Raising all these kids and somewhat effectively. Because I am exhausted. And still I do. All the things. Or try to do all the things.

Before when I was not driving, we stayed at home a lot (obviously) although we did still get to see friends when they would come over and then my husband would haul us around to do as much as we could together in amongst his work schedule. It was a lot then (or so I thought) of getting everything done and not trying to lose it all at the same time (being home as much as I was might do that to a person), but now being able to drive, the world is my oyster and I get to do all the things, even more things than before and still somehow I get it all done…and try to spend as much “quality” time with my kids and husband as possible (which of course does help that we are all at home together and the kids aren’t in any kind of school yet or daycare).

As much as I have found that I need my self-care time, this is the time that I truly love…being fully present with my family (even when they are getting on my last nerve haha). And when I say “fully present” I mean as best as possible as one can be fully present these days (for example being at the park with the kids today, I look around and every single parent that I see is on their phones). But this is the coolest and craziest (in the best way possible) time of my life. I get to experience all this. Our oldest boy, Gabriel is 4 and is just like me, hard-headed, is in charge, wants it his way (haha), but also wants to take care of everyone and is so smart and sweet and inquisitive. He’s growing up too fast, but he will always be my baby boy, my first born (I get that now). Our middle boy, Elijah is 2 years old and he’s the, cutest, silliest, goofiest, sweetest little boy in the world. He also definitely knows how to turn the water-works on when needed haha. But he will always be my little cuddle bug. And then we have our little girl, Faith, who is now 11 months old (how on earth she is almost a whole year old I will never understand just how fast life goes). She is the most adorable, cutest, sassiest, and curious little one, and is a true Mama’s girl (probably because I am still mama milk cow to her). She has the most beautiful eyes that will look right through your soul and make you want to cry every time you see her. You will also surely know when she is not happy about something haha.

But isn’t that the coolest thing ever? Being able to experience motherhood, parenthood, knowing these little humans came from you and then being able to watch them grow up. Yet also the most exasperating thing (its only taking me 5 years to write this blog as I’ve had to go in my boys room about 10 times today trying to get them to calm down to nap). So, just for today I will try to be the best version of me so that my children can see that. I want to be me, the same me for them and everyone else around me. The authentic me, The me that finds the extraordinary in the ordinary. The one that talks to my kids, listens to my kids, loves on my kids and is able to just BE with my kids (which really I think is the most important thing). Just to BE. Whatever that looks like from one person to the next. To be this ME in this life, the sober me, the me that gets to work a program and try to better myself on a daily basis, the honest me, the open me, the funny and sarcastic me, the joyful me, the authentic me, just ME being me with my family. And I get to do it all with my husband, my best friend. The best thing in the world. The absolute best. Thank God for that.