Grace and Perfectionism: How do these go together?

Ahh, the age-old topic of perfectionism, something that I feel like we are hearing more and more about these days. What does it mean and how does it relate to me? Perfectionism: relentless drive for flawlessness, setting excessively high often unattainable standards, and engaging in overly critical self-evaluations. Yes, yes, and more yes. I didn’t know what this word meant when I was a child but boy, did I experience it and continue to ever since. I heard it from everyone around me “you aren’t doing this good enough, you should have done it better, you should have done this differently, this is why you came in second rather than first, this is why you got a B vs an A, this is why you aren’t good enough”. These voices soon turned into my own and changed what they were saying over time, but it still all had the same message. YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. My perfectionism (which it turns out everyone has to some degree), ran rampant over the years, then during my drinking days just couldn’t keep up and I gave up for a while, because of course at that time there was no way I could do good enough or be perfect enough that I thought everyone wanted me to be.

Then I got sober and I still had that same mentality, if I’m not doing good enough then I’M not good enough (a lot of shame instead of just guilt- I am bad vs. I did a bad thing), if I’m not first then I’m last, and I have to prove to you, myself and everyone else that I can do this and be the best at it. But who is this for exactly and why? Why do we think we need to be the best at everything, perfect at everything? For me, those disappointed faces and words were enough for me to shame myself into it. So, I continued to be 100 percent hard on myself. I remember over the years my sponsor would tell me to put the bat down! I am good enough, I am right where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, as long as I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other and keep trying to do the next right thing.

12 years later, am I still like this today? Oh absolutely, hence why I am writing about it today. My counselor and I have talked about this a number of times and one of the things that stuck out to me was when she talked about how we go to the extremes (not just us alcoholics, but everyone) and that’s when things get sticky. But if I can keep my perfectionism (and other character “defects” – sounds so negative) more in the middle of the spectrum, then maybe its not such a bad thing. Maybe, for example that perfectionism can turn into being motivated and hardworking (which I believe I am).

So then how do we bring ourselves to the “middle” and then what if we can’t every second of everyday? What if we still make mistakes (which obviously we will, we are human after all)? So, then maybe that’s when we need to learn to give ourselves some GRACE (which has turned into my word for the year, and probably for the rest of my life). And why not give ourselves grace? Sounds lovely right? But let’s break that down, what does that exactly mean? Grace: unmerited favor, kindness, or mercy often referring to God’s love for humanity. Ahh, but then we have the unmerited part: something that is not deserved, earned, or justified. Okay, so why is it not deserved? If we take it to the Bible, obviously as humans, we sin and are therefore undeserving but if I take it just like that, then there goes the shame thought back at it again, and round and round we go. So, just for today, maybe we are deserving because God created us all after all, exactly how He intended right? And what a beautiful thing that is. So, if I can remember that, then that gives me all the “power” in the world from God himself to give myself some grace that no I do not actually have to be perfect…that’s for God. And I am exactly as I am supposed to be, just like you are exactly as you are supposed to be. And when I do make a mistake today, that’s how I grow and learn and take accountability for it. And you know what, I kind of love that.

So, if you can relate to this and you are hard on yourself, then its time for some GRACE. For you and for me.