Overwhelming Chaos

Lately, I’ve been thinking about life…like really thinking about it. How interesting it is to be human here on earth, how we interact with others, how we feel, how we act, how we talk, how we live. And how we can live so differently from one lifetime to another. I think back on the life I used to live: when I was a child, then growing up into an adult. I remember being an only child as a kid, in a very quiet house (most of the time), wishing for siblings, wishing for that good kind of noise, that good kind of chaos. I would see movies growing up with large families, the mom and dad kissing each other, children running around the kitchen chasing each other screaming and laughing, looking like the total package, this perfect life. And man, I wanted it. I wanted it so badly.

Then I started drinking, was completely wrapped up into self and that seemed totally unobtainable. Not only could I not find a man who I really wanted to settle down with, getting married to and have kids with, but I couldn’t get my “stuff” together long enough for someone to actually stay in a relationship with me for that to even me possible. I was too busy drinking myself into a puddle of pure victimhood. And I get it now, no one wanted to be around me. I was negative, sad, angry, always blaming someone else, talking badly about someone else, not taking any kind of accountability for my own actions and behaviors, and had little to no self-confidence.

Fast forward to getting sober, the first step in that was actually getting sober. Then it was really looking at myself, my character defects (and assets), trying to figure out who I was, trying to clean up the wreckage of my past, become a different person (one who people actually wanted to have a relationship with), and become someone that I liked being around, taking accountability for myself. Once I was able to work on myself for a few years, I found my (now) husband through total fate (running into each other in the bathroom at the gym we were both going to at the time). Next thing you know, we get engaged, buy a house, get a couple of dogs, get married, and have 3 kids back-to-back to back.

So here is the chaos. The amazing and totally overwhelming chaos. Yes, there are kids running around our house at all times (we have a 4-year-old boy, almost 3-year-old boy, and 13-month-old little girl). There are dogs barking, kids screaming, and then me trying to have a conversation with my husband when he gets home from work. We have our family dinners together where the boys take all of 3 bites of food, then go do summersaults on the couch, the dogs are scrounging for scraps (and getting yelled at), the boys are told to come back to the table 1000 times, Sissy (our little girl) is squealing and shoving insane amounts of food in her mouth all at the same time, my husband eats his food in about 5 bites, and I get to sit down at the table about when everyone else is finished. Our house is filled with sand, dirt, poop, snacks, and dog hair. You can hear barking, crying, yelling, and screaming pretty much 24/7. So, basically its insanity. And if I’m not spiritually fit, I will most likely lose it.

For me, spiritually fit means getting my “me time”, getting my 5-minute break for the day, being around people that make me feel good, getting to a meeting, and connecting with God. So, then when I can take care of myself, the screaming and barking and running around and kids not doing what they are told and the house a complete disaster isn’t as overwhelming. Then what I am able to really look at and be present in is the amazing, extraordinary chaos. You know the kind from the movies. The kind I dreamed about and always wanted. The chaos of the boys running around and laughing and dancing and singing. The dogs wagging their tails and giving kisses. Sissy crawling around, babbling, talking up a storm. The hubby grabbing me and spinning me around the kitchen, dancing and kissing and laughing like how we did at our wedding. THAT kind of chaos. That’s where the magic is. For me, that’s my actual reality today, not just a dream. Not just a hope. That is my life, that is our home, and for me, it’s the most amazing thing in the world (on most days haha).

I just have to remember the gratitude, remember what it used to be like, what I used to be like, and how I am so blessed today to be able to have people who I want to be around and they want to be around me. We can laugh together, cut up together, joke together, be real together, actually talk together. We can also cry together, apologize when we’ve made a mistake or we are wrong, look at something differently, not get so worked up over the little things, and be totally authentic with together. So, thank you God for this family of mine (including all those who have been with us on this journey along the way). Thank you, God, for the overwhelming, amazing, terrifying, incredible, frustrating, breathtaking, extraordinary, miraculous chaos today. Thank you for it all.