Confidence, judgement, and God

https://youtube.com/shorts/RdZyQpJG_rU?si=lqGdzfumkcjggD-I

Hey y’all! If you are new here and didn’t know I had a YouTube channel as well as my blog, check it out! All things real, as real as it gets, just a hot mess express over here. Haha Which then leads me right into the topic of the hour….confidence and how it relates to God.

I remember when I was a kid, teenager, and young adult, I was totally full of fear and had no self-confidence whatsoever. I couldn’t make a decision to save my life, I just knew everyone was watching me, looking at me, judging me, I was awkward, couldn’t look you in the eye and felt as though every mistake I made, would end the world (or that I would have to hear about the disappointment). I was always told that I wasn’t skinny enough, I should have gotten an A vs a B, I could have gotten first place vs second place, I should have done this different and that different, I needed to be more outgoing and talk more, blah blah blah. I internalized this shame immensely. That is why I loved alcohol. I was able to finally be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, I could talk a little better, walk a little better, and have just a little more self-confidence.

But then when I got sober, the cycle started all over again. I had the voices in my head and nothing to silence them. So, then I turned to my sponsor and other people in the program who all became amazing friends to me to teach me about God and confidence. I learned that I was basing my happiness off of what other people thought of me and the validation I was seeking from everyone. But happiness is just that, its all external and comes from other people’s judgements and THINGS. But joy, that’s the thing I want. That’s what comes from within and how I truly feel about myself, what I think about myself, and what my God thinks about me. Which is really pretty amazing. It’s that confidence and joy within myself to go out in public with no makeup on, do YouTube videos looking like a hot mess express for all the world to see, have the body of someone who apparently has a nonexistent pregnancy (I suppose having 3 kids in 5 years will do that to you and what a blessing that is to show off!), and talk to you about all my faults and character defects, all the imperfections. I don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to wear a mask, I don’t have to look at the floor or be scared to be around new people. But what I do get to do is be myself and find my happiness and joy within myself and the people I get to experience life with.

What I have found with having all the experiences I have over the years is like who really cares? Not in a bad way, but in a like, I don’t need to be worried about everyone else and what they think of me, how successful I am, or how perfect I am. Better yet, let me expose a little more about myself, really let the walls down. Something so interesting in the last few years is I feel like I do actually have confidence these days. I can walk into a room of strangers or acquaintances and actually have a conversation, I can look you in the eye, I can make the hard business phone calls, I can say what’s on my mind, I can dress how I want. From the girl that I used to be to the woman I have become, it’s really nothing short of a miracle and that’s where God comes in.

If I really truly allow God in my life to show me the way, the path, what foot to put where, then He can give me the true happiness with myself. The confidence to just be me. That goofy, awkward, silly, funny, serious, thoughtful, loyal, loving, interesting, hardworking and passionate person that I have become today (and also the impatient perfectionist that still has a hard time letting go). I can hold my head up high because truthfully today I don’t have anything to be ashamed of, I don’t have anything to hide. Not like how it used to be. And I don’t have to judge today, myself or anyone else. Because if we do judge someone else, then most likely there is just something going on with us that we don’t really want to look at. Because remember we don’t like the uncomfortable or the pain or the vulnerability. But with all that comes realness, truth, freedom, joy, and true connection with other people.

So folks, do I do all this perfectly? Do I have confidence in myself 24/7? Do I never judge myself or anyone else? Well, not exactly. Because naturally, I’m not perfect. I am human after all. I am trying and continue to try. I also want to surround myself with people who do the same. I have so many friends and my wonderful husband who are part of the program and get it. They are right there with me. We look at this stuff together on a daily continuing to strive for growth and joy. This is where I get my confidence. That and God.