Driving in the fast lane…continued

I can’t help but to continue this topic, as it has been on my mind a lot. Several thoughts have consumed me around the ability to drive again. For one, just the freedom in it. Something that most of us just don’t think about on a daily basis if you have never not been able to drive (not had a license and/or vehicle to drive). That freedom is indescribable. And even though I’ve been sober for many years, it almost feels like that same kind of freedom from when I first got sober all over again, just in a different way. Although I am still very much reminded of why I was not able to drive for so long in the first place from the lovely breathalyzer that I have in my car now for 7 years….let me repeat that 7 YEARS. Which brings me to my second thought. With all this freedom and gratitude I have, there still comes a let-down, a fear, an embarrassment, this need to still prove to the world that even though I am not that person anymore (not the “breathalyzer kind of person”…whatever that means), I still have to have this stupid thing in my car. And let me explain my entire story to you so you won’t judge me or think badly of me.

But really, in the grand scheme of things, who cares? I can drive. I’m not the center of the universe (just the center of my universe haha), so maybe you aren’t even paying attention or thinking about me. And maybe there can be an AND in it too. What I mean by that is I’m beyond grateful AND a little embarrassed. But why am I putting myself on some kind of pedestal, like I shouldn’t have to have the breathalyzer? And why shouldn’t I? It is the LAW after all. And I am a law-abiding citizen today. I will only go 5 miles per hour over the speed limit, I will fully stop at lights and stop signs, and please just go around me if you are in a hurry. My days and my driving used to look much, much different in yesteryear.

A day in the life of this alcoholic before getting sober ended up being pretty sad. Days consisted of driving on my moped back and forth to work when I could actually make it, then spending all other waking hours drinking, to numb whatever it was I needed to numb or escape from at the time. Today I get to actually do things today and especially being able to drive now. Not that I wasn’t doing things after getting sober. Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of help from a lot of people being able to get to where I needed to go, fun or otherwise, and man did I have some cool experiences. But now it seems I have those rose-colored glasses on again and my eyes and heart are even more open than ever before. My days consist of going to the gym, taking the kids to the pool, getting lunch, going to the park, running errands, meeting with a sponsee, going to a meeting, getting my nails done, cleaning out MY car, going to meetings, going over to a friend’s house, etc.

So, how do I keep this perspective that I have, these rose-colored glasses on, and keep this gratitude, this new sense of freedom with me always? Well, I can’t. That’s not real life. Inevitably, something will happen, something not great, or I will have to do something that I don’t want to do (for example blowing in the breathalyzer in a drive thru line haha, or just regular every day responsible adult type stuff because who really wants to do that?) and my gratitude over “being able to drive” will go out the window for a moment or two. So, then how do I get it back? Or how do I continue to have a different perspective and an attitude of gratitude even when bad things are happening, or things out of my control? I think that is where the difference between happiness and joy comes to play. Am I happy because I can drive and that makes me feel better about myself, or am I joyful because of the work I have done on myself TO feel better about myself which makes being able to drive that much more joyful?

I don’t know. But what I do believe is that happiness is external, and joy comes from within. Our society today bases our successes and happiness on everything external, whatever is going on around us and then ourselves in general (the way we look, car we drive, house we own, job we have, etc). But I want that joy, a joy that I have experienced a number of times since getting sober. That down deep, in our soul kind of joy. The smiling for “no reason” kind of joy. A joy that I have to keep holding onto, because during low spots, I end up losing it and then have to find it again. But what I also know, is nothing lasts forever (the low spots, the high spots and just life itself- man it really goes too fast, seems to be so much more in my face with how fast life goes after having kids), but that also includes our emotions, our thoughts, our actions, our perspective, and our attitude.

So, just for today, I will keep the happiness, the joy, and the freedom, while acknowledging the frustrations, fears, and embarrassments. Because if I do try to extinguish the bad stuff, the bad feelings, inevitably I will do the same thing with the good stuff, and I’ll just turn into the numbness that I thought I was searching for and needing in a drink. But I don’t need or want that today. And thank God for that.